10 Lessons Learnt After 10 Years of Marriage
Steve and I are celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary this year and I wanted to share some pearls of wisdom.
Ten years.
It honestly doesn’t feel possible that we’ve been married for a whole decade.
In some ways it feels like yesterday that we were saying our vows, and in others it feels like we’ve lived several different lives together since then.
Over the years I’ve shared what we’ve learnt after two years, three years and four years, so it felt only right to pick up the tradition (after quite a long break) for such a special milestone.
If you’d told us on our wedding day what the next ten years would hold, I don’t think either of us would have believed you.
We’ve moved house and slowly turned it into a home.
We’ve navigated career changes, welcomed our lovely daughter, survived the sleepless baby years, celebrated the highs, worked through the harder moments and somehow found ourselves here — a little older, a little wiser and still choosing each other every single day.
Our marriage isn’t perfect, and I wouldn’t ever pretend it is. We still disagree. We still wind each other up.
There are days when I couldn’t imagine life without Steve and others when he leaves recycling close to the bin but not inside for the hundredth time and my patience is tested!
But after ten years, here are the biggest lessons we’ve learnt.
1. You don’t have to be the same to be a great team
If anything, our differences have become one of our biggest strengths.
One of us naturally worries about every possible outcome. The other is usually convinced it’ll all work itself out.
Over the years we’ve learnt to stop trying to change each other and instead appreciate what the other brings.
Where one of us is cautious, the other is confident. Where one overthinks, the other helps keep life moving.
We balance each other far better than we ever realised we would.
2. The little things matter far more than the big ones
Grand romantic gestures are lovely, but they aren’t what make a marriage.
It’s putting their toothbrush on charge without being asked.
Sending a message during the day just to check in.
Picking up their favourite snack from the supermarket.
A hug after a long day.
Sitting together on the sofa once Elsie is finally asleep.
Those tiny moments happen far more often than anniversaries, holidays or date nights, and they’re the ones that quietly build a strong relationship.
3. Sometimes going to bed angry is absolutely okay
This might still be controversial!
For years people have said you should never go to bed on an argument, but we’ve found that isn’t always realistic.
Sometimes you’re both tired.
Sometimes emotions are running high.
Sometimes absolutely nothing productive is going to be said at 11pm.
A good night’s sleep has solved far more disagreements than another hour of arguing ever has.
Giving each other space doesn’t mean giving up — it simply means returning to the conversation with clearer heads.
4. Children change your marriage — but they don’t have to change your team
People often talk about how much children change your life, but they don’t always talk about how much they change your marriage.
Suddenly you’re not just husband and wife — you’re mam and dad too.
You’re making decisions together every single day, running a household, juggling work, school, clubs, appointments and trying to remember whose turn it is to pick up your child.
It’s no surprise that parenting can sometimes feel like you’re constantly discussing, negotiating and compromising.
We’ve discovered that our parenting styles aren’t always exactly the same. One of us can be a little more laid back, while the other prefers routine and consistency.
Sometimes one of us is the soft touch and the other has to be the stricter parent I’m sure you can guess which is which!
Ten years ago I might have seen those differences as a problem. Now I see them as balance.
The important thing isn’t agreeing on every tiny detail — it’s remembering that we’re on the same team.
When Elsie is having a meltdown or life feels particularly chaotic, it’s easy to slip into “your way versus my way”.
But the reality is we’re both doing our best, and our daughter needs to see us supporting one another, even when we’ve had to have a quiet conversation behind closed doors afterwards.
No parent gets it right all the time, and no couple agrees on everything. Giving each other grace has probably been one of the biggest lessons we’ve learnt.
5. Don’t forget you’re still a couple
When you become parents, it’s so easy for your whole identity to revolve around the child.
Days become filled with school runs, clubs, birthday parties, washing, meal planning and trying to keep on top of everything else life throws at you.
Before you know it, you’re talking more about the general running of the house than about each other.
We’ve learnt that our marriage needs looking after too.
That doesn’t necessarily mean expensive date nights or weekends away — although they’re always lovely when they occassionally happen.
Sometimes it’s simply having a hot drink and biscuits while sitting together once Elsie is in bed. Watching a film. Going for a walk. Having a conversation that isn’t about our daughter or work.
Those little moments remind us that before we became mam and dad, we were Steve and me.
And that’s worth protecting.
6. Never stop laughing together
If you can’t laugh together, the hard days feel much harder.
Some of our favourite memories are the completely ordinary moments that somehow became hilarious.
Inside jokes.
Laughing until we cry.
Taking the mickey out of each other.
Finding humour even when life feels chaotic.
After ten years, I genuinely think laughter has got us through as much as love has.
7. Having your own interests is healthy
This is probably one of the biggest lessons we’ve learnt over the last few years.
Steve now plays tennis every Thursday evening, and I love that he has something that’s completely his and new friendships.
I was going to a groove and glow exercise class but work and life took other however I am getting back into it again!
I’ve also made such a lovely group of friends through the school mams.
We’ve enjoyed bottomless brunches, evenings out, taking the kids out for tea together, and we’ve already got more mams’ nights planned for later this year.
Years ago I might have worried about spending time apart, but now I realise it’s actually made our relationship stronger.
Having our own hobbies and friendships means we both come home happier, refreshed and with something new to talk about.
8. Home isn’t about the house
When we first moved, I was so focused on decorating, finishing rooms and making everything look just right.
Now I realise home has very little to do with perfectly painted walls or matching cushions.
It’s the noisy breakfasts.
The toys scattered across the floor.
Family movie nights.
Barbecues in the back garden.
The chaos of everyday life.
It’s the people inside it that make somewhere feel like home.
9. Saying thank you never gets old
It’s so easy to notice what your partner hasn’t done.
And it’s ,uch harder but far more important to notice what they have.
Thanking each other for the everyday things sounds so simple, but it makes such a difference.
Feeling appreciated never goes out of fashion.
10. There is no perfect marriage
Perhaps this is the biggest lesson of all.
Social media often shows the highlights — the anniversaries, holidays and smiling family photos.
It doesn’t show the disagreements over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.
The sleepless nights.
The financial worries.
The difficult conversations.
Every marriage has challenges.
Ours certainly has.
There are still times I look at Steve and think how incredibly lucky I am to have him. And there are still days when he drives me completely up the wall!
But after ten years, I’ve realised that’s normal.
Marriage isn’t about never disagreeing or getting everything right. It’s about choosing each other anyway.
Choosing kindness when it’s easier to be short.
Choosing forgiveness instead of keeping score.
Choosing to remember that you’re on the same team.
No marriage is perfect, and I would never claim ours is but what I know for sure is I’d be absolutely lost without him.
Here’s to ten years of marriage, plenty of laughter, surviving the parenting chaos together and whatever adventures the next decade brings.
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